TMI ahead: but I figured you’d all love a good laugh and now that I’m home (and my toddler is sleeping) it’s kind of funny….

So we went out for dinner tonight, Mind you, I’ve been pretty strict Keto for months with just a few “cheats”. But I’ve always been pretty sensitive to foods containing wheat and being Keto seems to have actually made me more sensitive to those days when I accidentally eat something I shouldn’t… are you with me on the disaster that is about to happen? 😳😳

Well tonight I ordered broasted chicken (I removed most of the skin and just ate the chicken) with salad and took the breading off of some mozzarella sticks. Well I thought that chicken breading looks and smells amazing! It SURELY won’t kill me to taste a small piece…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ bad idea number ONE.

So halfway through dinner I feel it… my stomach is grumbling and protesting. Oh no. 😳😳😳 so I realize quickly that I’m going to have to uhhh release some pressure. So I’m preparing to excuse myself to the restroom and going to stand up (mistake number 2). As I’m getting up a little toot escapes…. My 2 year old starts laughing and yells”MAMA TOOT!!”, at the top of her lungs, I’m mortified and My dad and My “used to be” adorable daughter are busting up laughing.

Mistake number 3… I let my toddler come to the restroom with me. I’m doing my business and she is standing there watching me and handing me TP 😂. Well someone else comes in and goes into the stall next to us, My ever friendly toddler goes over and looks under the stall wall and says “Hi!!” While I’m panicking unable to get up and grab her I tell her “ No no, don’t look under the stall, no one wants to talk to each other in the bathroom!” Lady in the stall next to us is quietly laughing. My daughter stands back up and comes over to me and says “oh mama poop! Pewww!” Meanwhile I hear the lady in the next stall snort and try to smother the sounds of her laughter.

Soooooo I may never take My toddler to a public restroom with me again…..

Also I kind of miss those days where she didn’t talk….. 😳🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Challenging myselfo

So I’ve made a lot of changes in my life over the last year. I started freelancing from home. It’s hard to make a living at but I’m slowly getting there! I became a Beachbody coach, not for money but because I recognized I wasn’t the healthiest I could be and that isn’t the example I want to set for my daughter. I want her to grow up watching me love and care for my body not abusing and hating it! I also started writing a book or a novella, I’m not sure where it’s going to go but I started it and I have set a goal to write at least 300 words a day on it now! Once I finish this I want to focus on writing a children’s series! I’m going to make my goals and dreams happen!

I shared what I have written so far with some friends and now one of my friends gives me daily word prompts which I write a poem or short story around. I’m going to start posting those here for anyone who may want to read them.

That’s pretty much all I’ve got for today but here’s my first word challenge short story 🙂

My first challenge word was Cloud / Clouds.

The Meadow

She rode her horse along the trail. What was once nothing more than a barely used game trail, now a well worn trail that leads to a small clearing in the middle of the woods that bordered her land. She came here often to watch the clouds drift lazily by. Somedays her mind would be racing with problems and others she’d just lay back and let her troubles slip away imagining then riding on the clouds as they drifted across the sky and out of sight. Today was one of those days that she pushed her demons to the back of her mind and just enjoyed the silence and beauty around her.

When she got to the meadow she slid off her mare and removed her bridle. When the horse was happily grazing on the sweet grass she hung the bridle on the saddle horn and found a cozy spot to lay back and relax amongst the fragrant wild flowers. She thought how she envied the clouds. They get to see the world, just traveling through the sky without a care. She imagined that there isn’t a lot that they miss from their view up there.

As she laid there quietly she heard a rustling in the trees at the edge of the meadow, she slowly turned and saw a young fawn push its way through the undergrowth and into the open meadow. She stifled a giggle as it tripped and toppled over the last few steps then looked around to be sure no one witnessed its less than graceful entrance. Satisfied that it’s ego was saved the fawn bounced up and started exploring the wild flowers.

She sat as still as she could so as not to startle the fawn and enjoyed it’s playful antics. After awhile the little fawn settled in for a nap amongst the wild flowers. Once she was sure she wouldn’t disturb the sleeping fawn she quietly retrieved her grazing mare and they slipped away through the trees. Leaving the fawn and the meadow under the watchful eye of the all seeing clouds.

My Puppeteer 

Fake smiles and grins, Don’t joke, don’t laugh, 

Don’t tease or play,

Unless it’s time for a show, 

Fake smiles, fake grins, 

Like puppets it’s a show,

Pull my strings, make me grin, 

Pull my strings I’ll put on your show, 

Pull my strings, I’ll smile for now.

Pull my strings it makes you feel so strong.

Pull my strings, you’ve won again, 

Pull my strings, make me cry again,

Like a puppet you’ll see, 

This smile is fake, 

Look in my eyes you’ll see

Like a puppet I’m dead, 

Fuck this life and fuck this show,

Pull my strings and away we’ll go. 

Am I too old to just want my Mommy?

“What’s wrong with you?” It’s a question he asks often this time of year, but I’ve heard it more this year than ever before. How do I explain that a grown woman still just wants her mom! How does one explain how many emotions I feel when it’s hard for me decipher the anger, the sadness, the happiness and even embarrassingly enough the jealousy of my siblings, and any other emotion or feeling that I feel every day? I pull into myself and hide behind a quiet mask, I smile when I’m supposed to and even sometimes laugh, I cry behind closed doors and sometimes even in front of certain people who know me and know that I’m not the person I was 4 months ago or even 9 years ago actually ask me what’s wrong or make a comment about my mood.

I’m angry because she’s not here. Not at her of course! I know it wasn’t her choice. But I’m angry at God because his plan didn’t fit with what I expected it to be, I’m angry that she wasn’t at my college graduation, she wasn’t there when my fiancé got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife in front of my brothers and dad, she wasn’t there when we announced that we were having a baby, she wasn’t there when I gave birth and I was scared when the dr told me if she didn’t move soon I’d have to have a c-section (luckily she co-operated and all went as planned), she wasn’t there to hear those first cries and see her dark red hair, she isn’t here to answer my questions and help me when I doubt myself as a new mom, and she won’t be there when I get married. I’ll never be able to tell her everything I think I need to say, I wish I could apologize for being ungrateful for her, and sometimes wonder if that’s the reason she was taken so soon, because I was ungrateful when she was here?!?!

All of these things make me sad, jealous that my siblings for the most part got to experience these firsts with her, but a happiness too that at least I got the time that I did to call her mom and as much as she isn’t here in the flesh I have to believe she sees all this and is still proud of me for all of them and more!

I also feel a little guilty for somewhat feeling sorry for myself. I try not to. But I hear people say how their moms irritate them and butt in on their life and all I can think is I wish I had that now! We had our differences but how I wish she was here now. Maybe it’s a little selfish, or a lot. I know others who haven’t had their Mom from even younger ages than me and they seem to be doing just fine. At least I had her into my 20’s!

I even wonder why I’m writing this today. Maybe I really need for those who still have their parents to understand. Sometimes, even though I’m a grown woman I just want my mom. 

Sorry, Not Sorry! 

So I catch myself saying “I’m sorry” way more than I should. I realize this drives my fiancé crazy and honestly I feel like it makes me appear weaker! He will say something about his day or something in life that isn’t going the way he wants and I had nothing to do with and no control over. My automatic response is almost always, “I’m sorry”! WHY?!? Did I send a bad day fairy to him? No, of course not! Actually my only wish is for him to be happy and enjoy life!!!

Of course I don’t just do this with my fiancé, it’s a habit I have formed with everyone. Why am I always feeling bad and placing the blame of other people’s bad days on myself? What can I say instead to show I care, without feeling the need to apologize on behalf of whatever had disappointed them?!

I realize “I’m sorry” is a very powerful phrase  when used to truly show remorse for something I have done to directly disappoint or hurt someone else. Perhaps that’s why I say it all the time, because I genuinely feel bad that things aren’t going as they want them to, and it seems deeper than saying “that sucks” or something along those lines!  With all the words I know sorry and that sucks can’t REALLY be my best response to this, right?

Maybe it’s so ingrained in me to make people happy and avoid confrontation at all costs.  I’m constantly afraid that if I buck the system it would end up badly for me, or heaven forbid that my SO and I actually argue about something (that fear is another subject for another day but I feel that saying “I’m sorry” also helps to dodge some unknown conflict I’m trying to avoid for some unknown reason).

Maybe I feel like a failure because I wasn’t able to make his day happy, so that’s why I say I’m sorry. Maybe I feel like I SHOULD be able to fix the problem.  I’m sorry for not being able to make everything perfect in your world, right?

Maybe I need to face the fact that I’m not superwoman and I am human, and shit is going to go wrong and I am NOT obligated to accept responsibility for it. From now on I will be in search of a new way to show  I care without apologizing for something that was not my doing! Who knows, I may even learn a better way to communicate all around!!

My goal for today is to find a way to say I hear what you’re going through and and I care that it’s not going right, without bearing that disappointment as my own by apologizing for something I didn’t directly do!